Just a quick update...Nothing to report, moving on with life as fast as I can!!  Ha Ha, or should I say life is moving on as fast as it can!

I had the pleasure of going to another great In The Pink Luncheon last week. So much fun to see so much pink in one room. Samantha Harris of Dancing With the Stars, ET, etc. was the guest speaker. She was great. If you get a chance, check out her website. www.gottamakelemonade.com
I walked away with a picture taken with her AND a new PINK bike!!!  Yep, that's right, I won it. Well, should I say I paid for it, but I was the lucky bidder....

I know I've said this before in other posts, but it is so worth repeating!  FAITH...FAITH is what drives me, FAITH in the unknown, unseen and unheard. Let me just copy what I read the other day from my Catechism of the Catholic Church book I so often cross reference during my bible studies.

By Faith, man completely submits his intellect and his will to God. To obey in Faith is to submit freely to the word that has been heard, because its truth is guaranteed by God, who is Truth itself. By Faith, Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place which he was to receive as an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was to go. By Faith, he lived as a stranger and pilgrim in the promised land. By Faith, Sarah was given to coneive the son of the promise. And by Faith Abraham offered his only son in sacrifice. Abraham thus fulfills the definition of faith in Heb 11:1: "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

Now, Let me ask you this...Do you live by Faith each day? Just yesterday, I realized I may have lived by Faith during my cancer treatments, but I so often, nowadays worry about the future. Where will we live when we retire? Are we in the right school system for our kids? Etc.!  Oh My goodness, I'm preaching about Faith and I'm letting normal, everyday worries control my thoughts.  Faith should not only be lived when we are struggling, but every single day!  Can you imagine if we don't worry at all, any time, any day? Oh Lord, Let me live more like Abraham and live by Faith in all I do, in all my works. Let me live by Faith each and every day. I believe if we can all live by Faith EVERYDAY...we will find more joy & happiness in our lives!

My prayer for you is for each of you to live by Faith every day and do not worry about tomorrow.

Go out and make it a good one...
Love, Prayers & Faith for each of you!!!

2 YEARS.....YES, THAT'S RIGHT...I'M A 2 YEAR BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR!  1st of all, that's so weird to say. I cannot believe it's been 2 years. It actually feels like a lifetime ago. Seriously, it feels like anything else you go through in life that becomes a distant memory. 2nd of all, WOOHOO....2 years and counting!!
Thursday I had an appointment with my oncologist. The typical, blood work, exam....except this time instead of going to my oncologist office, I went to the PA's office. I didn't even see Dr. Nelson. Only his PA. I guess when you are healthy, no need to see the Dr.-Right? Well the PA, Bonnie, her office is in the same location as the area to get chemo. So, for 45 minutes I waited in the waiting room with all sorts of people waiting to get called back to get chemo. I just sat there thinking how far I'd come in just 2 years. Actually my stomach started getting nauseous just thinking about sticking a chemo needle in my (now removed) port, and getting poison pumped through my body. The best I could do at that moment was simply pray. Pray for all those going through it. But also, thankful for all the dr.'s, researchers, and everyone that makes cancer survivable. Back to my appointment. It was all good; blood work-all good....and nothing more to report! (I only have a physical exam and bloodwork. They don't do body scans b/c too many times they create unnecessary scares and false positives. Irregular blood work and lumps are the only signs they will notice of any return-BUT, that won't happen so honestly NO anxiety).

Not much really to report on, except your typical summer vacation with kids. I have been the ultimate Uber driver. And of course I haven't done half the things with the kids I wanted to. Next year I'm not making a list and will have no expectations!
I do want to plug this awesome book. I'd like to say I can't put it down, which is so true, except I can't find time to pick it up and read! That's life with 3 busy kids and always the..."do this, let's do that, can you take me here, take me there...?"  Anyway, the book...  Imagine Heaven by John Burke.  It's story after story of other peoples' Near Death Experiences and their trips to Heaven and back. OMG, I always knew Heaven was wonderful, thanks to my sweet Mema. She told me all the time how wonderful Heaven would be, I still hear her and picture my childhood memories of what it'd be like. Well, this book paints the most wonderful pictures of how great it is, so great that Earthly words cannot describe. What I take away most from reading it so far, is our time here on Earth and how we are merely preparing for our place in Heaven. Our relationships, our life here is preparing us for our eternal life with our Heavenly Father. How well do we love our neighbors? Do we love them as much as Jesus loves us? How are we building and nourishing our relationships with people here on Earth?  Are we nice, nonjudgmental, loving, etc. to everyone we meet? Do we strengthen our relationships or tear them up along the way? Our greeting committee in Heaven is based on our friends, family and relationships we've built here on Earth.
Are we that person that people want to be around or run away from?  These are all thoughts I have worked on over the last few years. I can honestly say, I started thinking like this before I got cancer. But, the more bible studies I attended, the more I read the Bible, the more I pray, and become closer to God, the more I realize I need to grow in my relationship with Christ and strive to please him more than anyone or anything else.

May God continue to Bless and bring happiness to each and everyone of you....

I had a checkup with Dr. Fitzsullivan on Monday. She is such a fantastic dr. I'm so lucky to have her in my life! The visit went as they all do. Vital check, Nurse visit, PA visit and then Dr. Fitzsullivan. Of course everyone was super excited to see and hear about my new tattoos. The nurse actually used to tattoo for MDA downtown and said how wonderful mine look! That means a lot coming from her. She had never seen Vinnie's but had heard about them and actually told me an article was published with her and Vinnie (although she never met him) because they both worked with a mutual dr. back in North Carolina. Anyway, the visit went just fine, a complete exam was given and with that a clean bill of health. One thing I love about Dr. Fitzsullivan is she is so personable. She always asks about my family and kids. And I ask about hers! At the end of the convo she said this was a bitter sweet visit. Although she enjoys chatting with me and catching up, it was our last one. I no longer need to see her. She reiterated I have done it all, I left nothing on the table, no need to continue to see her. Of course if I ever needed anything I could call, but other than that I was done! (She did remind me that I will continue to see her at the In The Pink Luncheon once a year in October-yea!)  I gave her a big hug, told her she was the best and that was it! My journey is continuing to wrap up-I'm am now free and clear from 3 dr.'s. And for my oncologist, well, I still have to take tamoxifen so I will continue to see him. (The next visit is August). I'm constantly reminded how lucky I am to have had the BEST team in all cancer treatments and how so many people it takes to tackle and incinerate this disease! I am truly BLESSED! I know it, I believe it, and I see it!

Thanks again for keeping me and my family in your prayers. Please keep my dad in your prayers as well. He's still taking it one day at a time, still in the hosp at MDA, still in pain and trying to solve the mystery of what's causing it. So frustrating. He takes 1 step forward and 3 back. But, on a better note he is in remission of his Aplastic Anemia.

Until next time....

I went to see Dr. Gordley Monday to show him my new tattoos. I told him all about Vinnie, I even had his brochure and business card to pass along. Dr. Gordley was very impressed. He commented how the brochure even had extremely accurate and realistic looking pictures (of scars, etc.). He also explained to me (again-because I remember this now that he's repeated it) how the fat grafting doesn't always look like it worked. But more importantly when he does the fat grafting he's also injecting stem cells into damaged tissue therefore helping the damage from radiation repair itself. He was showing me how nice and soft the skin is becoming. Something I didn't think about. He said skin usually doesn't do so well. But, mine is looking great. He also said with each fat grafting we do, the more repair will take place and the more the fat grafting will start building and looking better. UGH-he said we can do it at my pace, when I want or none at all.....YEA! Dr. Gordley then went on to explain how the implant side could always be changed. But when we change 1 thing, we may create more problems. This is why he's the dr. and knows more than I do... However, he told me about the company that makes the implants he uses. They are located in Dallas...yes, even my implants are born in TEXAS.... he's been to the factory! He said that company is constantly coming up with new shapes, etc. so there could be options for the future. Oh, and he said most breast implant factories are in Brazil, Europe, out of the USA. Again, I'm reminded how lucky I am to have my wonderful team of Dr.s....   In case you are wondering, I'm not doing anything any time soon (I want to stay away from the OR as much as possible). Upon leaving his office, his staff took pictures and we talked about my Vinnie experience. They were so excited for me and were so impressed at Vinnie's work!

And on another note. Things are definitely getting back to normal. Way back when...2 years ago, I was always finding strands of long, curly hair. (This has always been the norm for me, as with everyone else I'm sure). The strands would get tucked into my clothes (you know, that tickle in your butt under your clothes, in your cleavage?), the kids were always pulling my hair out of the their clothes, etc. Once I started losing my hair, was then bald for many months and the slow regrowth, those long strands stopped showing up (obviously). Well, I have started noticing my, kinda-long but definitely curly hair-everywhere!! Ha! Ha!  I will take those strands any day!

Once again I'm reminded how powerful Jesus is to have in our lives! My dad really had some rough days in the hospital. He was in so much pain and quite frankly didn't look so good. To be at MDAnderson and the dr.'s not know what's going on is so difficult (he has an infection in his spine that was causing inflammation, severe back pain and spasms-they hope to have answers today-Friday. And we all are praying that his Aplastic Anemia hasn't morphed into Leukemia). To have my dad look me in the eyes in desperation, to almost look like he doesn't think he'll ever leave the hospital is heart breaking. BUT, in those days, I just immersed myself in prayer, reading the bible and listening to some great Christian music. And, guess what, I instantly felt at peace...PEACE...yes, there it is again. Just give God your problems and He handles all the worries. My dad started getting better, the pain easing, the spasms subsiding. He has a long road ahead and hopefully with answers as to why all this is happening will come. I just know and believe whole heartedly that when you fully ingulf yourself in the word, in faith, anything is possible. ANYTHING!

Peace, love, prayers and hugs to you all....May God continue to bless and enrich your lives each and every day. And when you have worries, give them to God, let him take those from you. Do not worry about tomorrow, God will handle those worries once he's taken care of todays.

WOW, what a crazy last 2 weeks it's been! Rob and I flew to Baltimore last Tuesday to get my famous 'Vinnie's!' I was a little nervous, but more excited to just get it all done and over with. We got to Baltimore, had a great dinner and a good nights sleep. The next day, after lunch we ubered out to Vinnie's tattoo's. It was about 30 minutes from Baltimore and my biggest worry was if we were going to be able to get an uber back to the hotel since we were so far out of town. Needless to say, we made it and Vinnie's tattoo shop was in a little strip mall with a liquor store and a few other shops along with it-nothing fancy at all. But as you walk in, it's nice, clean and was not your typical looking tattoo parlor. Well, with the exception of pictures of tattoos everywhere. We were greeted by Vinnie's daughter. I had an appointment with another tattoo artist first to see about getting a breast cancer ribbon tattoo. I wasn't 100% sold on getting it, but I really did want one. As we were waiting, we saw Vinnie walk by several times (he's much taller than I expected), another lady was leaving, and while we were there, a total of 2 more ladies came in. Once I was back in Ian's little room (there's a big waiting area, several smaller side rooms, and Vinnie's 2 rooms for his part). I showed Ian what Rob and I had talked about, a cross with a pink ribbon hanging off the side. Of course my scribble on Emma's drawing app on my phone didn't compare to what Ian produced. I was sold. Done. It was a little bigger than I had planned, well, maybe a lot bigger. But he said he wouldn't go any smaller and if he did the ink would bleed and wouldn't look right. Oh well, I'm 43, I really didn't care about it being any bigger, so I went for it! I was a little nervous it would hurt, but Rob was sitting right there and held my hand. By time Ian got his room prepared, everything was extremely clean, well maintained, and I felt like I was about to have surgery the way everything was prepped. Once he got started, it hurt a tad, but not much. So, Rob's hand was no longer necessary. When Ian was finished, I loved it! See picture off to side. While he was doing the tattoo, we talked a bit about Vinnie's shop and what an amazing thing he does. Ian said every tattoo done in that shop is by appointment only except Saturday's. He said most of them all leave by 5 each day because they have families and want to get home. WOW, not your typical tattoo place right? When he was finished, we still had a few minutes to wait until my appointment with Vinnie. In the mean time, I asked Vinnie's daughter if she knew if we could catch an uber back to Baltimore. She said as a matter of fact, there's a guy that takes people back to Baltimore from there. So, I texted him and he was set to pick us up when we were done. Vinnie's wife came out and had me fill out paperwork that asked all my medical history of my cancer. She then led us to the room where Vinnie would do my tattoos. It was a nice room, family photos (beautiful family-all college age, 3 girls and 1 boy) leather couches, & shark teeth jaws everywhere! I had to sit in a nice office chair! Vinnie's wife took my before pictures and got me all settled. I wasn't nervous at all, I was very relaxed and just excited to get on with it. Vinnie came in and we just sat and talked. He's done just UNDER 9,000 nipple tattoos and does about 8 a day! (Ok, so that's amazing, BUT-that's a lot of breast cancer he's seen).  He asked me all about my breast cancer history and just got to know my story. He was extremely knowledgeable in all areas breast cancer related. He told me he makes rounds at Johns Hopkins Breast Cancer Institute with surgeons. The one thing he did say was he wished he had a plastic surgeon on his site to ask simple little questions like the one we both had about my exact nipple placement. Because I have 1 belly boob and 1 implant, they are different shapes. And I have a scar across the middle of my implant side, but not my belly boob side. So, there were 2 places the right nipple could go. Slightly above or slightly below the scar line. I ultimately chose the above location. Just a little off from the other one, but the overall placement looked better (he had little rubberized nipples he puts on you to see the size and location). So, away Vinnie went mixing his colors. He said he uses a standard color base and adjusts as needed. I thought I'd feel a little bit of the tattooing on my belly boob side because I have some nerve sensation (although you touch 1 spot and the nerve responds somewhere else!). Quite the opposite happened. The implant side was more sensitive (obviously, it's my original skin), I just felt pressure and a little prickling. Overall not bad. Vinnie took about 30-45 minutes to get both tattoos finished. Once he was done, I looked in the mirror and WOW, what a difference 2 little circle make on you. They looked AMAZING (yes, I know so strange to think nipples could look amazing, but they were so real looking, so life like)!  I had a huge smile on my face and was so excited! When Vinnie finished, his wife came back to take the after photos and explain the after care process. She gave me a bag of soap, lotion, & instructions. And by this time our Uber driver was there. We checked out, paid, put a pin on the map of the US (there was a world map too-women have come from all over.....even 1 pin from The Maldives), and took a picture with Vinnie. The uber driver explained 1 catch. The ride back to Baltimore was during their "surge" time as the uber driver from the airport explained. Meaning, our $35 ride to Vinnie's was going to cost us 2.8x that amount to get home.....YIKES, What the heck? Well, we had no choice! This price is set by uber, not the driver. Once we got in the car, we began to talk about what the driver does full time....Any recollection of a band from-way back when-Called the Grim Reaper? Well our driver plays bass for them now! Needless to say we had a good ride back to Baltimore. And, wouldn't you know it, Vinnie pulled right up next to us on the highway and waved. He must've been on a mission because we followed each other all the way back to Baltimore! We got back to the hotel and I had to "air out" my tattoos, so I was walking around topless-Rob kept saying how real they looked. I had to admit I felt like they were real. I told Rob (I know this doesn't even compare, but it's the only analogy I could think of), you know when you find out you're pregnant, but don't want to tell anyone b/c it's still early, so you walk around with this huge secret and smile from excitement-That's how I felt. I couldn't walk around telling or even showing people my new tattoos, but I certainly walked around with a huge smile on my face. What a difference tattoos make! We flew home the next day and I was so excited to see the kids. Natalie and Emma looked at my tattoos and said "oh, how fake!" Well, that's not what I wanted to hear...the next day they looked a little closer and said, you know they kinda do look real.

By Saturday, Natalie and I were on a plane headed for Orlando to play volleyball in the AAU National tournament. It was a great 4 days of play, but by Wednesday night when we arrived back in Houston, I was done with traveling!

My next medical follow-ups come on Monday (6/27) with Dr. Gordley, I'm excited to show him the new tattoos to see what he thinks. Then I have my yearly with Dr. Fitzsullivan at the end of July and Dr. Nelson in August.

Please continue to keep my dad in your prayers, he's been in and out of the hospital and had some very low days. Prayers lifted him the other day and so far he seems to be in a better place. Quick story....Rob and I went to visit him Thursday at MD Andersen in the medical center. Rob left to go get some lunch for us, I texted him telling him to find the chapel, find a priest, my dad needed a visit. Rob said as soon as he read the text and put his phone away he looked up and there was a priest standing right there. He said, WOW-I was just told to come find you! Rob explained the text and the priest said Rob's request trumped the place the priest was going to.

GOD is around us in all we do...all we have to do is ask, believe, have faith and most of all be thankful for each and every day!

Thank you for all your prayers, love and support.

I said last year I wasn't going to let my yearly anniversaries get to me. Overall, I don't think I have. However, I can't help but ponder the memories of the past couple summers. I had my yearly checkup with my OBGYN. And although she doesn't have anything to do with my cancer check-ups, this is the appointment 2 years ago that I had my mammogram which lead to my diagnosis. And I can't help but think about all the tests, appointments, etc. that followed. On the flip side, let's ponder this...OMG, I CANNOT believe it's been nearly 2 years. I can honestly say it feels very surreal to think I went through everything I did. It really does feel like it was just a small part of this big life we all live. Cancer doesn't define me, but it does add to my journey. And it continues to be a part of my life. I know in time, thoughts, memories, etc. will all fade and I will definitely welcome those faded memories.
Next week Rob and I will make a quick trip to Baltimore so I can meet with the very well-known Vinnie Myers and get my nipple tattoos. Natalie asked me the other day, why it's necessary to get them done? Good question...at first I asked the same thing. Dr. Gordley had said it's really important to get something done (rather it be tattoos or nipple reconstruction), to have that glimpse in the mirror of normalcy. And after nearly 2 years of not having any, I'd say I have to agree. I can get out of the shower and I see scars, I see that I'm not completely normal, ha-was I ever?  SO, I'm hoping that by adding these 2 little tattoos that it'll help. Speaking of scars, my belly scar is slowly starting to fade. I've been applying those gel scar diminisher strips and they've helped tremendously. And on top of all this I need to lose some weight. You are probably thinking, what? I've had a tummy tuck & liposuction, how can I need to lose weight? Let me just say this. Since having my mastectomy almost 2 years ago, exercising the way I was used to wasn't easy. After every surgery, I had to wait about 8 weeks to work out again. And we all can imagine how unmotivated I was during chemo and radiation to get out and run. Needless to say this last surgery back in Oct. & then again in Dec. really had me out of any kind of exercise for nearly 4 months. I've been back to boot camp for a couple months now and I've started running a few times a week. I wouldn't say I'm loving it, because it's hard, it hurts and I'm much older now so it's taking a lot longer. It's really difficult to get back to where I was. BUT, never fear, I'm motivated and determined! Why let cancer take another thing from me-right?
My other motivation recently has been thinking about my path. My path that is directed by God. He has it all planned out, why should we question or even try to change it. I read something recently that really resonated with me. If God has our life all planned out, why should we force anything different. I'm not saying we should just sit around and not do anything. But when doors are opened, take advantage of them. If doors close on us, take them as they are. An end that will lead to a new beginning. If we are praying, if we're talking to God, He's going to show us the right way. So, in the mean time, until I find my new way, I'm going to continue and let God lead me. I'm going to trust in him, and most importantly I'm going to try and be patient until new doors are opened.

Until next time, which will be sooner than later, my wish is for you to all be healthy, happy and safe. Please add my dad & Linda to your prayers again. The road for them remains bumpy and the life they once lived is no longer in front of them. We all hope that one day he will be healthy again and able to live as he once did. This is not what he wanted, not what he expected and certainly not what any of us imagined......Prayers are always needed and welcomed!

love, hugs & kisses....

Yesterday was my final, yes, I said that, FINAL appointment with my radiation oncologist. I knew I probably wasn't going to see her again,  as this was my 1 year check up from the end of my radiation. But it didn't really sink in. She just looked at my skin and commented on how well Dr. Gordley did and then gave me a hug. Looked at me and said, "you are done, I hope to see you again, only outside this place." That was it. She left, I got dressed and simply walked out of her office. I walked to my car and sat there and cried. WOW, where did these emotions come from?  I mean really, I've been done with treatments for over a year now. But to really put things behind me and to really move forward is absolutely an amazing feeling. The few remaining to do items include my nipple tattoos, (June) and I think 1 last visit with my breast cancer surgeon. Other than that, my oncologist is the only person I will see on a regular basis. It is so surreal to go from seeing dr.'s, making apts., on a daily basis to nothing, nada, nill...BUT, I will happily take it. I will happily say goodbye to 2014-15 and continue to move forward. Last year seems like a really long time ago and 2016 is moving right along.

Other than my appointment yesterday, there's really nothing to speak of. I'm slowly but surely getting in shape, kinda. Slowly is the key word. I am working out and starting to run again, there, how does that sound?  Anyway, hope all is well and blissful in your part of the world. Hope life is happy, healthy and nothing but sunshine and rainbows.

May God continue to bless you, strengthen you and show you his light.   Look to the Lord and seek his strength; seek His face always.  1 Chronicles 16:11.

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always. 1 Chron. 16:11

I apologize for taking so long to follow-up to my 'down in the dumps' post. Things quickly turned around as they always do. Thank you for the reaching out and those that didn't I know you are there thinking and praying for me as you do anyone else in your life. Obviously somehow reaching out and expressing oneself is like freeing the soul. I've never been one to privately 'journal' or write about my daily life. I admire those that can. But, I will say posting and chronicling this journey has been very rewarding and it is definitely part of the process of diagnosis, treatment and recovery. I highly recommend it to anyone who goes through anything life altering. Life around me has continued to move forward, kids are having birthdays, getting bigger and honestly we couldn't be busier. What I try to remember and practice on a daily basis is allowing time for myself. I remember, before cancer, always being in a hurry, always rushing. Why would anyone want to live like that?  Think about that?  Honestly some things can wait for tomorrow. And if the kids take 2 days to put laundry away, then so be it-right? In the grand scheme of things does it really matter?  What does matter is how you feel about yourself, your life, your kids, your home, your family. Are you being the best you can be each day? If you aren't your best, how can you motivate anyone else (i.e. your kids) to be their best? For those of you that are finding yourself coming and going (and who isn't?), I ask you to do a little soul searching. I learned last year to rest during the day so I can be my best in the afternoon and evenings when the kids got home. I'd like to say I've carried that thinking over to this year as well. I'm not saying lay around in your pjs & watch TV all day. I'm saying put it all into perspective. Have your list of goals for the day; including checking emails, trolling Facebook, etc. whatever it is, have it down on paper or in your head. Don't get sidetracked, don't create unnecessaries throughout the day. That ultimately takes time away from your family. This goes for working parents as well. I still don't know how you do it, work all day and take care of kids all evening. But I do think you can learn to find your balance and somewhere in there is a person who can ultimately have it all-happiness, health, career, family, home..etc.  Create time each day for yourself, whether it be exercising (this should be a priority), reading a book, doing something 'crafty', maybe even picking up the bible. If we can all learn to balance the day and refocus, recharge, and find our true happiness, our true self we will learn to love life to its fullest. That includes loving our spouse, our kids and reaching even higher for the stars than we ever imagined. And when I say reaching for the stars, I mean reaching towards Heaven, reaching toward-what we are here on earth to strive for and that is finding our ending place with-God. Enough of my soap box.
Check out my new photo to the right. I'm finding my inner 'Marcia Clark'!  Have you been watching that mini-series, OJ on FX? Well, I'm constantly finding new people that I can compare my little new hair style with. And Marcia is the newest 'afro' look alike. I don't like selfies, but you no, gotta do what you gotta do!
The other thing I wanted to vent about today was just how bad cancer sucks. It takes someone every day. A family is losing a spouse, a mom, a dad, a child, a friend, someone is dying. And every day cancer changes peoples lives. SO, my point. My point is, pray...pray for a cure....pray for the doctors, the researchers...pray for everyone that is associated with cancer, because in some way we all are. We are going to have a break through. I just know it. A cancer breakthrough will mean a brearkthrough for all things. And just maybe we won't have to watch our daughters go through breast cancer as I did. Maybe our sons won't have a wife suffer. Prayer is our answer to everything. Maybe it's not prayer, but talking. Don't talk to yourself, talk to God. Have a conversation, but don't forget to listen because HE will answer you. And if you haven't learned that, GET WITH THE PROGRAM! God hears, God listens and God responds. If we all are praying for a cure from these awful diseases, just maybe we can lessen the impact evil has on the world. And wouldn't you like to live knowing you made an impact on the world. YES, each of us can and each of us should strive for making an impact.

My love, hugs and all my prayers go out to each of you each and every day....Love God, Love Life and LOVE YOURSELF!

If I'm going to be honest about everything on this blog I guess I must offer up a confession. I expressed my uptightness the week leading up to my check up. However, what I haven't been so honest about until the last few days is how I'm truly feeling. I'm not one to just call someone up and spill the beans, I'm not one to really talk about truly personal feelings. But upon many conversations with Rob, I've come to the realization I've been on a serious emotional roller coaster the last few weeks. Sure, you think being diagnosed with cancer and you instantly hit rock bottom. But the truth is rock bottom never came. I instantly was lifted up, lifted up enough to fight the battle. I had so much support and prayers, so many people reaching out to me, loving me, holding my hand and literally knocking on my door to see what needs to be done. Thinking back, remember when you planned a wedding, planned for a new baby?  Anything, big and life changing? There's this time of planning, your mind is constantly focused on the task at hand. Let's say planning for your wedding day. That's all you think about, for months. The wedding comes, you go on your honeymoon. And then all of a sudden you have a new spouse, with a new name. Your the same person, but you are a changed person. You are different, you are now married and united with another person. Some people hit rock bottom, a time of adjustment, an emotional time. I think many people can relate. Now, picture this. You're diagnosed with cancer, your world instantly changes. For almost 18 months your life changes, you are at the beck and call of doctors, you have poison running through your body, you go through so many surgeries you can't recall, you have to stop and count. You loose your hair, it comes back-same, but different. But, you have all these people lifting you up. And then all of a sudden you are home from the honeymoon and expected to get back to normal. Kids, husband, life. But what is normal? I am the same person, but I am a changed person. My emotions are probably somewhat normal, but no one that has cancer comes up to you and says 'oh just wait!'  I tell you right now, these past few weeks have been harder on me emotionally than any other time. My heart is actually hurting, I'm exhausted. I've been praying to God to help. I've been asking him what to do, where do I go from here?  I'm sure this is normal and I'm sure eventually in time I will be my normal self again. But until then, this is what I have. (here comes the Health teacher in me) Remember the stages of grief. It's real. I wouldn't say I've had denial, anger or even bargaining (honestly-I didn't go through those). But I will say this must be what a little depression feels like and eventually I'll move on to the acceptance stage and will get past this. Rob told me once of someone he knows that went through breast cancer and on the other side of it she divorced her husband. No, don't go there-I'm not going to do that, I LOVE ROB MORE THAN ANYTHING! But, if someone isn't all that happy to begin with, before cancer, I see it. I see why people want changes. Why people do things they weren't thinking of prior too. It's hard. Cancer comes at you from all directions. So, now-for me, a swift kick in the rear...get my mind right, get over this stupid crap and put up my GOD SHIELD. I'm not letting the devil come in and take my happiness. I fought like the dickens (my mom's old saying) during cancer, I'm not giving up now. NOPE, NOT ME! NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Find someone else to mess with. Anyway, enough. Now you know. And next time you hear someone has cancer, know it's life changing, mind boggling, game playing, head playing, heart breaking disease. To be a survivor, you fight, and you continue to fight-all the time. The fight is never over even though the disease is forever gone......

love and prayers to each of you my friends.....

 I had another check-up with Dr. Gordley a few weeks ago. All is good and Tuesday I started back to boot camp! I have even taken back to running (I can go about a mile-ha ha-Woohoo!). I still can't go all out, 100% just yet. I have to listen to my body and stop at any sign of pain. Give it about another month and then I can start to work through that pain.
And then yesterday, I had my 6 month check up with Dr. Nelson, my oncologist. I had blood work and a physical exam. Let's back up a few days.... I have been extremely irritable & grumpy. Of course, you can tie the impeding check up with my emotions. These last few days have not been my most prized. I got lost and caught up in the 'what-ifs!' I lost my positive attitude. I forgot to SURVIVE. Yes, being a breast cancer survivor means you have to fight each and every day the rest of your life. Dr. Nelson's PA reminded me of something so important. She said 'don't give in to your negative emotions you fought so hard and went through all the treatments so you can have a life. Don't let your thoughts take your life away now.'  How true....so, here we go again. STAY POSITIVE, LIVE IN FAITH, BELIEVE IN MY FAITH and don't let anyone or anything take that away. Rob and I, (yes, even as grumpy as I have been toward him, he still went with me) went to the dr. together. The blood work, all clear! The physical exam, all clear! And back again in another 6 months. Another thing the dr. told me was how well the tamoxifen works to block estrogen. I take it every day and happily do. Did you know, many, many people do not take it. They don't see it necessary. WHAT? Who doesn't take medicine prescribed by their dr.? Apparently lots of people. They even did a study and found out that pharmacists reported a large number of women don't even pick up those little white pills that can save their life! That said, that is not me! I take my meds, listen to my dr.'s and Have Faith and for those reasons, I know in my heart, my soul, I will live!

So, now I plan to make each day a good one, wake up, thank God for what you have, ask for guidance, protection and to live each day as God intends.  I will definitely train my brain not to veer from these thoughts, for when I do, we know what happens!  NOT AGAIN!

Happy Lent...Go out, be happy, and make it a good one!

love, hugs, & prayers!

patti

That's a really horrible picture of me before surgery! I actually just got my hair cut-yes, cut, trimmed up, thinned out, not so afro-poofy-straggley-mess!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and Happy New Year and celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ! I know my family had a good one!

I don't want to go into too much depth here, but I wanted to share a little bit on the life of a cancer survivor. Most of you probably think, a person goes through cancer, recovers and moves on with life. But, there is one huge aspect of cancer that most people don't talk about or even think about. And that is the thoughts, the demons (I'll call them that because that's what they are) that creep into your head at any given time. Sure you can say, don't listen, don't think about it. But, at any quiet time, at any loud time, the demons come out. They say things like, 'what if your cancer comes back, what if you die, what will your family do, what will your husband/wife do, how will people remember you, will you be missed?' And many, many more. This is the life of a cancer survivor. Not just surviving the treatments, but surviving everyday and learning to cope with the very real prospect that things could go south very quickly. With all that said, here's what I do. I put up my GOD shield, I ward off the flaming arrows of the evil one, I simply ask for God's guidance and His help in not letting me 'go there!' "ABOVE ALL TAKING THE SHIELD OF FAITH, WITH WHICH YOU CAN QUENCH ALL THE FLAMING DARTS OF THE EVIL ONE." EPHESIANS 6:16.  SO, being a survivor has turned into a daily, weekly, monthly thing. I'm sure over time those demons will become fewer and further between. But in the mean time, I hope to live each day to the fullest, do things I want, and live like there's no tomorrow. I hope to surround myself with friends, family and those that make me happy. I don't want to sit around waiting for tomorrow to come and wonder why I didn't do the things I wanted to. And this all goes for my kids too. I want them to enjoy life, I want them to not worry about people at school that are not nice, I want them to not waste any day on the bad stuff. So, for you, my hope is, don't wait for life to take a turn for the worse to realize you are in control, you are responsible for yourself, your happiness, don't let life pass you by without enjoying what God gave us here on Earth. A place for us to grow, love, enjoy and one day, when the time is right to be prepared for His coming.

Go out, make it a good day, NO a GREAT day!

"Dear God, help me walk through my fears by facing them instead of being paralyzed by them. I want to take your hand and trust your heart with all that is withinn me. Give me courage today to take the first step. In Jesus' name, Amen."