If I'm going to be honest about everything on this blog I guess I must offer up a confession. I expressed my uptightness the week leading up to my check up. However, what I haven't been so honest about until the last few days is how I'm truly feeling. I'm not one to just call someone up and spill the beans, I'm not one to really talk about truly personal feelings. But upon many conversations with Rob, I've come to the realization I've been on a serious emotional roller coaster the last few weeks. Sure, you think being diagnosed with cancer and you instantly hit rock bottom. But the truth is rock bottom never came. I instantly was lifted up, lifted up enough to fight the battle. I had so much support and prayers, so many people reaching out to me, loving me, holding my hand and literally knocking on my door to see what needs to be done. Thinking back, remember when you planned a wedding, planned for a new baby?  Anything, big and life changing? There's this time of planning, your mind is constantly focused on the task at hand. Let's say planning for your wedding day. That's all you think about, for months. The wedding comes, you go on your honeymoon. And then all of a sudden you have a new spouse, with a new name. Your the same person, but you are a changed person. You are different, you are now married and united with another person. Some people hit rock bottom, a time of adjustment, an emotional time. I think many people can relate. Now, picture this. You're diagnosed with cancer, your world instantly changes. For almost 18 months your life changes, you are at the beck and call of doctors, you have poison running through your body, you go through so many surgeries you can't recall, you have to stop and count. You loose your hair, it comes back-same, but different. But, you have all these people lifting you up. And then all of a sudden you are home from the honeymoon and expected to get back to normal. Kids, husband, life. But what is normal? I am the same person, but I am a changed person. My emotions are probably somewhat normal, but no one that has cancer comes up to you and says 'oh just wait!'  I tell you right now, these past few weeks have been harder on me emotionally than any other time. My heart is actually hurting, I'm exhausted. I've been praying to God to help. I've been asking him what to do, where do I go from here?  I'm sure this is normal and I'm sure eventually in time I will be my normal self again. But until then, this is what I have. (here comes the Health teacher in me) Remember the stages of grief. It's real. I wouldn't say I've had denial, anger or even bargaining (honestly-I didn't go through those). But I will say this must be what a little depression feels like and eventually I'll move on to the acceptance stage and will get past this. Rob told me once of someone he knows that went through breast cancer and on the other side of it she divorced her husband. No, don't go there-I'm not going to do that, I LOVE ROB MORE THAN ANYTHING! But, if someone isn't all that happy to begin with, before cancer, I see it. I see why people want changes. Why people do things they weren't thinking of prior too. It's hard. Cancer comes at you from all directions. So, now-for me, a swift kick in the rear...get my mind right, get over this stupid crap and put up my GOD SHIELD. I'm not letting the devil come in and take my happiness. I fought like the dickens (my mom's old saying) during cancer, I'm not giving up now. NOPE, NOT ME! NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Find someone else to mess with. Anyway, enough. Now you know. And next time you hear someone has cancer, know it's life changing, mind boggling, game playing, head playing, heart breaking disease. To be a survivor, you fight, and you continue to fight-all the time. The fight is never over even though the disease is forever gone......

love and prayers to each of you my friends.....