Here we go again, I know I've said this before, but...I've learned that once you have breast cancer, nothing every really is easy. Just when you think you've done it all and are finished, you really are not. I knew going into the last surgery (if you will recall, it was a very spur of the moment, last minute, need to be done kind of thing), that there was a possibility I would still need another surgery. So, here I am, 5 months out from radiation and having problems. I was told recovery from radiation takes 6 months. Which is why the original reconstruction surgery was suppose to be in September. The problems I'm experiencing are extreme tightening, slight redness in the skin, a pulling of the muscle/implant, stiffness, etc. I have developed a stretching routine and I do it twice daily, it usually lasts about 5-10 minutes. This is me laying on the floor, stretching my arms out to my side (think crucifixion style) and up over my head-OUCH!!! I do forward arm swings, back arm swings, up-down-side-front-back, whatever you can do with your arm, I do. TWICE a day!  It hurts real bad and then relaxes a bit and within minutes my chest is back to the stiffness it was before I stretched. This is common and the doctors have assured me it's good to do all the stretching, however it doesn't really change the damage the radiation caused and it can't be prevented. There is really nothing I could have or can do that will change any of it. Which led me to call Dr. Gordley last week and make an appointment. Who wants to admit defeat, who wants to admit they are not successful. Of course he greeted me with a smile and wanted to see what was going on. He told me the implant looks fine, however the skin & muscle are tightening around it, slightly lifting it up. Of course it's causing pain and what not. The question then becomes, will it get better, worse or stay the same? Here is the dilemma I face and what am I going to do about it. Going into the appointment today, God kept me calm and I knew in my heart what I had to agree to. I know the outcome. And I am ok with it. God once again reassured me. Sometimes our prayers don't get answered the way we ask or the way we want them to, but we are given the 'it's going to be ok' feeling. Dr. Gordley talked to me a good while and even pulled out some pictures. I never wanted to have a tummy tuck, I don't want to be cut hip bone to hip bone. Granted, sure, I'd love to have a flat stomach, but not like this. In the last couple of days, I became ok with it. I can live with pain, I can live with stretching, but there's a possibility it will get worse and then I'm stuck dealing with an emergency type situation. Dr. Gordley also told me once I have this surgery, the pain, the tightness, all of it will just about go away. This way, I will be able to really, finally move on. No more sitting around waiting to see if the implant is going to be rejected, no more stretching daily for no relief.
So, here's what is all involved. My surgery will be about 5-6 hours (yikes-he assured me I'd do fine). The recovery is roughly 6-8 weeks of lifting nothing heavier than a gallon of milk. He would take out the implant (the good news is the muscle contracture has caused the skin to stretch more and that's needed for surgery), and use my tummy fat to rebuild the left side (yes, I've gained a few lbs.-and now don't need to worry about losing it-welcome back BLUE BELL). The muscle currently is on top of the implant, which is why it's squeezing so bad, the muscle would lay flat against my chest wall and the fat would be on top of it. If my skin looks good during surgery he won't need to use my stomach skin. However, all this said, I will be having a tummy tuck, yes that means pulling the skin down, relocating the belly button (I like mine! I saw pictures, his re-do belly buttons look really good), and getting rid of every ounce of fat I have on my stomach!  WOOHOO- NOT!
I haven't really talked about dates with Rob (because this all just happened this am and he's busy at work), but, maybe sometime early November. Dr. Gordley said no hurry, I asked what that meant and he said within a few months. If I wait longer than that, the Spring schedule is absolutely crazy. This way I'll be good for Thanksgiving and Christmas. (Wishful thinking). Dr. Gordley said after a mastectomy, expanders and even c-sections, this won't be THAT bad. Most women fair really well. My hospital stay will be about 4 days, 3 of those in ICU. Not because I need it, he said because he likes the hourly nurse care. I can't express how bad I can't stand surgery, but here I am facing my 3rd one within 18 months.
I've come to realize living like this isn't fun, eventually the pain, discomfort, etc. would bring me down, it'd take me down paths I'm not willing to travel. So, I will once again put my Faith in God and know this is what has to be done. The tattooing will go on as planned, just not as soon as expected. Hopefully by late Spring or early Summer.
I've met so many people that are dealing with breast cancer and I know the paths they are on. I honestly can say, I'm slowly starting to forget about chemo, I'm slowly starting to realize last year was truly just a blink and will soon be a distant memory. This is one crazy journey and one crazy life experience that was not on the bucket list. I am stronger, my secure and love life more because of it. God helped carry me through it all and he will continue to do so.

For now....

love, hugs and prayers....

I can't believe it's been a year...yes, that's right! Exactly 1 year ago today I had surgery to remove my cancer. I'm so thankful I get to say those words. What a difference a year makes, I'm just about back to normal. I should say my 'new' normal. I'm still working on the tightness in my left side, chest and arm. I still can't sleep, or lay for any length of time on my left side. My arm still gets tired when I run longer than a mile, and the list could go on. However, for all intents and purposes, I am back to my old self. Well, let's think about that for a moment. No, I'm not my old self. I may think I am, but today I AM A 1 YR. CANCER SURVIVOR. What am I going to do today to celebrate...nothing, absolutely nothing. Today, I'm going to count my blessings and be thankful that I am here, as I should each and every day. To most people, a survivor means you are alive. And, yes, it does. But let me tell you what being a survivor means to me. Being a survivor is going to countless doctors appointments and lending yourself over to the doctors to 'cure' you. Being a survivor is watching your husband aimlessly scribble down information your doctor is saying while tears fall down his face because you are being told 'you have cancer!'  Being a survivor is calling friends, family, your mom, your dad and looking in your children's eyes telling them 'you have cancer!' Being a survivor is turning to your priest/pastor, and asking to help you and your family. Being a survivor is calling on the one and only GOD to pick you up, to hold your hand, to walk this walk with you, to put all you know, all you believe, all you feel, your entire being in his hands and to absolutely, without any shadow of a doubt, believe he will heal you, to HAVE FAITH. Being a survivor is getting up each morning, getting dressed, making lunches, getting kids to school. And then taking it easy all day, when that is not your 'normal' behavior. Being a survivor is putting poison in your body, getting burned by machines, having needles poked in your body, losing your hair, growing it back, talking to strangers, letting others help you, letting others feed your family, saying No to countless volunteer jobs at your children's schools, volunteering when you can, attending your children's practices, games and what not to show them 'you are still you.' Being a survivor is getting up each and every day to say, Thank you! Thank you for letting me still be here. Thank you, because life is short and why should I worry about the future, nothing I can do to change it, nothing I can do but count my blessings and be thankful for each and everyday. Being a survivor can mean so many things, so when you hear those words from all the 'survivors' out there, think for a moment about your own life and slow down. Life is short, life is precious, life can be gone in a blink of an eye. We are not guaranteed a future, but as long as we know who has the future, as long as we HAVE FAITH, as long as we can live with our hearts full of God's unending, everlasting love we will be fulfilled.

Monday I had a checkup with my oncologist, Dr. Nelson. My blood work came back all good and I've been clear for another 6 months!  I never imagined I'd be told anything other than 'all clear.' However, I let my fears run amuck. Yep, I did....and wouldn't you know it, 2 things I read that morning while in the waiting room turned those fears around.

      ****"Fear loses its power when we actively trust God more than what we fear."****
and then this prayer:  

Dear God, Help me walk through my fears by facing them instead of being paralyzed by them. I want to take Your hand and trust Your heart with all that is within me. Give me courage today to take the first step. In Jesus' name Amen!

Isn't it amazing how God knows just when we need Him, how He can interject and put words in front of us! I can't live with fear, it is what it is and I need to enjoy each day alive and well.

Being a survivor is having courage to face the devil and tell him NO, you won't fall victim to his flaming arrows, his worries, his insecurities, his fear. But standing up, asking Jesus to guide you along and believing in the future of a life with Him in your heart and knowing one day you will meet Him in Heaven to rejoice the life you had.

Being a survivor can mean so many different things to so many different people. Let's continue to celebrate each day, be thankful for what you have, don't lose sight of God and know he's the ONLY one that can fulfill us.

I ask for your continued prayers. Especially for all those that are diagnosed with cancer, those that have been told their lives will be cut short.

Love, hugs and prayers.....